The Story My Body Remembers
Surgery in infancy saved my life. It was necessary, important, and ultimately the reason I am here today.
Yet infancy is also a time when I had no voice, no understanding of what was happening, and no opportunity to consent. Decisions about my body were made for me, not with me
Although I have no conscious memory of those surgeries, my body and nervous system still experienced the procedures, separations, interventions, and loss of control that came with them. From the very beginning of my life, my body became a focus of medical attention and decision-making. Other people determined what would happen, when it would happen, and how my body would be altered, without any possibility of my participation.
This is not about questioning whether the surgeries were right or necessary. They were lifesaving, and I am deeply grateful for the care that made my survival possible. At the same time, I believe it is important to acknowledge that lifesaving treatment and loss of agency can exist side by side. Both realities can be true.
Recognising this complexity has helped me better understand some of the emotional and psychological patterns that have followed me through life. What others might see as stubbornness, perfectionism, independence, or a need to be in control can sometimes be understood as an attempt to reclaim something that was absent during my earliest and most vulnerable experiences: Agency.
For me, healing is not about changing the past. It is about reclaiming ownership of my body, my decisions, and my life. My desire for control is not really about controlling others. More often, it is about restoring a sense of agency that was missing during the very first chapter of my story.